


'I love you, hyung.'

by TheBeautifulLove



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, First Kiss, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Romance, Starts with angst but ends with fluff, like all good things in life haha
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-01
Updated: 2017-12-01
Packaged: 2019-02-09 08:05:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12883593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheBeautifulLove/pseuds/TheBeautifulLove
Summary: ‘I love you, hyung.’And he’s heard it many times before. Too many times to even attempt to count them all, not that Soonyoung is in the right state of mind to do that anyway. He’s too busy panicking inside when he finally figures out what it was behind those dark, shiny eyes that he could never explain.‘You’re too young to know what love is, Chan.’Soonyoung hates himself already for saying it even before Chan has the time to react. He hates every syllable that has left his mouth but he keeps his stare strong and focused on the other.





	'I love you, hyung.'

_‘I love you, hyung.’_

He’s heard it many times before. Spoken casually, a friendly arm around his shoulders and the ringing laughter of the others around them. They were so young then. Soonyoung liked hearing it from Chan. He felt it every time - the clear meaning behind the words always expressing that deep, platonic attachment.

He loved having the younger by his side and gently guiding him to hopefully become a better dancer, performer and a more mature adult in the future.

Every time he watched the younger dance and sing he knew somehow. He knew they’ll debut even though nothing was certain at that point. How could they not, he thought, when there was so much talent right before their eyes - movements so swift and the softest, candy-like vocals echoing in the empty studio.

*

_‘I love you, hyung.’_

The words remained the same even two years after their debut, even when everything else changed. Chan changed. Both in physical appearance and mentality. He was still the lovable, sweet boy yet his facial features got sharper, more refined and simply more handsome. He gained more confidence to challenge his hyungs instead of listening to their every word like it was the voice of God. One would have to be blind not to notice the changes in their maknae as he became an adult.

Soonyoung definitely wasn’t blind no matter how much he wanted not to notice it at first. He wanted to keep treating the boy the same way he did back then when he was just an adolescent boy – talented yet naïve and clueless, but it was hard when he saw Chan’s hips move more daringly than other’s in the mirror during dance practice or when he suddenly noticed his voice was louder and deeper now compared to how it was shy and high pitched in the past.

The way he said he loved Soonyoung changed too. Now his smile wasn’t as bright but it was still beautiful. Now it was softer, more serious; it had a different edge to it that the older boy couldn’t quite figure out. Instead of looking away shyly, Chan stared at him for three long seconds before finally turning away.

*

‘I love you, hyung.’

And he’s heard it many times before. Too many times to even attempt to count them all, not that Soonyoung is in the right state of mind to do that anyway. He’s too busy panicking inside when he finally figures out what it was behind those dark, shiny eyes that he could never explain. And it falls on top of him like heavy summer rain; he wants to run and shield himself from it but it’s too late because he’s already soaked anyway.

 

‘You’re too young to know what love is, Chan.’

It’s never been harder for him to keep his composure than at this moment. His voice is steady even though his breathing has become shallow and uneven. The other blinks twice. Is it surprise in his eyes? Is it disappointment?

Soonyoung hates himself already for saying it even before Chan has the time to react. He hates every syllable that has left his mouth but he keeps his stare strong and focused on the other.

Annoyingly, the younger just nods. Soonyoung wishes Chan would rather get angry, punch him or shout but he just nods slowly, taking a small step back as if he’s giving him more space.

‘I’m not that young anymore, you know, but I understand.’ He smiles a little. It’s all so soft and pure. How could Soonyoung ever claim all that to himself? ‘I’ll wait. You know I can be patient, hyung.’

The response makes Soonyoung feel weak and speechless but even if he could speak he doesn’t get the chance to say anything when Chan walks out of the studio, leaving the other feeling cold, alone and conflicted.

*

Soonyoung can’t concentrate on anything at first when they’re back with the others. After the conversation, he keeps stealing glances at the maknae, curious about how everything will go on from now. He notices with annoyance that Chan carries on normally with everyone else including Soonyoung.

He acts so natural as if nothing happened earlier, as if he hasn’t confessed his feelings to the older, as if he hasn’t been coldly rejected. Maybe his feelings towards Soonyoung were not actually that serious or maybe he was a better actor than the older gave him credit for. He wondered briefly why he wished for the latter option.

‘Hoshi-hyung?’ a nudge from Seungkwan brings him back from his deep thoughts to the reality of their late-night dinner.

‘Yeah?’

‘I called you twice already. Are you okay?’ the vocalist looks at him with a frown. ‘You barely touched your food.’

The dancer looks down at the now almost cold bowl of soup. When he looks up again to answer he catches the worried glances of a few others including Chan. ‘Y-yeah, I’m fine. I just got lost in my thoughts, I guess.’

Soonyoung picks up the spoon quickly and shoves some food in his mouth for emphasis.

‘Are you sure?’

‘Of course.’ The lie slips almost smoothly of his tongue. He points to the other side of the table. ‘Can you pass me more rice, please?’

*

 ‘Hyung, wait.’

Soonyoung swallows nervously at the too familiar voice. He looks behind him, the hallway is empty except for the younger boy still wearing the same blue jumper he did at dinner.

‘Yes?’ Soonyoung forces out.

‘I want to apologize.’ The older looks at him with confusion when he stands closer. ‘I shouldn’t have said it.’ He looks at the floor for a moment before he looks into Soonyoung’s eyes again. ‘I shouldn’t have told you I love you so suddenly. I made it awkward between us and you don’t know how to act around me now. I’m sorry. Please, pretend I never said it if it makes it easier. Please, behave normally around me. I won’t be able to take it if you ignore me, hyung.’

The words set heavily in Soonyoung’s heart.

‘Chan…’ he sighs deeply. ‘You don’t have to apologize. Never apologize for your feelings, you understand me?’ The other nods shyly. ‘I’m glad you told me but… it’s just that I…’

‘You just don’t feel the same way about me?’ Chan asks looking up to his eyes, black eyelashes casting long shadows on his cheeks when he blinks.

‘Yes.’ How does it feel to tell the biggest, most disgusting lie to a sweet, innocent soul standing in front of you with glistening eyes? ‘I’m sorry.’ Is all he can get out.

Chan deserves someone better than a filthy liar.

‘I understand.’ He says without any emotions, ever so accepting and Soonyoung wants to cry. ‘Just please, promise me that we can go back to what we were. I can’t lose you, Soonyoung-hyung.’ Now he starts to sound desperate.

In this moment he looks so young, Soonyoung thinks. Still unable to control his feelings, not able to push them so deep down, to keep them from spilling from his heart.

‘Of course. I’ll always be here for you. You can’t get rid of me so easily.’ He tries to joke. A small smile appears on Chan’s lips but it hurts Soonyoung’s heart to see how pained it really is.

So, he hugs the maknae. Embraces him like he did so many times before, inhaling the familiar scent that smells like vanilla and everything that’s still good in this world.

Chan holds onto him so tightly like it’s their last hug and it breaks his heart yet again. They move away from each other, Chan tells him goodnight like his usual polite self and turns to leave.

He’s almost at the door when the older stops him. ‘Chan?’ The youngest turns around with wide, waiting eyes. ‘I’m so sorry.’

‘Never apologize for your feelings, hyung.’ He repeats Soonyoung’s words from earlier with a tired, sympathetic smile then leaves.

Soonyoung stands there for a moment, frozen, still looking at the closed door. He feels so, so cold. Mindlessly sliding down the wall to the carpeted floor, he sits, buries his face in his hands and finally allows himself to cry.

*

It’s just a crush, Soonyoung tries to convince himself, to make it all easier. Chan developed a crush on him because he’s not exposed to any other girls or boys he could date and Soonyoung has just always been there.

He’s been there more than Seungcheol or any of the others because he’s the leader of the performance team and Chan spends most time with him along with Jun and Minghao. Chan admired him, claiming the older is his role-model in terms of dancing and at some point, he must have confused admiration with something stronger.

Or maybe it’s the psychological proximity thing – you fall in love with the person who is always around you. Not fall in love but rather develop a crush on, Soonyoung corrects himself in his mind, exhaling deeply. That’s all it is.

He doesn’t want to think about how every new thought, every lie that becomes more believable the more he repeats it in his mind, is making him angrier and sadder.

Soonyoung stops dancing for a moment and leans with his warm palm rested against the cold mirror. He allows himself to think for a second about the ‘what ifs’. What if Chan really loves him the way he claims? What if Soonyoung finally stops pretending he hasn’t loved him back since forever, only recently realising the way in which that love evolved?

What about the group though? Surely, it would affect everyone. It would spoil their dynamic, it would only lead to trouble. Most importantly how could he be so irresponsible to make Chan his without caring for the consequences, to take his innocence and youth when he’s still confused about what he wants? He must be confused because why would he choose Soonyoung out of all people when he could have anyone?

The leader runs a hand through his hair, shakes his head and goes back to dancing with even more energy, emptying his mind of any thoughts. It’s helping, it always did. He’s just expressing himself now, not caring that the choreography he was here to practice has transformed into a complete freestyle. He doesn’t stop moving, afraid that if he does, he’ll start thinking again. He is already so confused, it feels like any more pointless wondering and his mind will explode.

Only when the music abruptly dies and the room becomes silent, he stops and turns around to see a sleepy Jihoon standing by the stereo. 

‘It’s really late, hyung. Even I’m going back to the dorms now.’

He’s breathing heavily and decides the other is right. He can’t stay here all night. He nods, switches off the lights and follows Jihoon out of the door.

‘So, what’s on your mind?’ the shorter asks when they walk the long, empty corridors.

‘What do you mean?’

‘You were dancing your worries away, Soonyoung.’ He replies calmly.

Soonyoung sighs. ‘It’s too complicated. I wouldn’t even know how to explain it.’ The worried glance sent his way makes him realise how he sounds. ‘Don’t worry, it’s nothing serious though.’ He adds quickly. Too quickly.

‘Are you sure?’

‘Yes.’

The other doesn’t push it and Soonyoung is glad that it’s Jihoon rather than anyone else walking beside him now – he knows when to leave it alone because he doesn’t like it when others do that to him too.

*

It’s difficult. Having so much on your mind when you need to focus. Even Soonyoung who’s usually so perfect on the dancefloor, which is why he hears loud gasps when he falls during dance practice.

He tries to get up quickly but instead he only manages to curl into a ball on the floor, lying on his right side, wincing in pain.

While Seungcheol and Seungkwan keeps asking him what happened and how it happened, the only voice that reaches him above all the sounds is Chan.

‘Where does it hurt, hyung?’

Soonyoung pulls his arm away from his face, uncovering his face. ‘My ankle.’ He manages to get out.

Chan’s hands are immediately on him, touching delicately at first and when there is no response from the older he presses onto various places around his ankle with more force. His eyes are locked on Soonyoung waiting for a signal if anything hurts but it doesn’t hurt any more than it already does. The main dancer admires for a moment the concentration on Chan’s face, watching his lips part, releasing heavy breaths and his damp hair falling into his eyes.

‘I don’t think it’s broken or even sprained but the doctor needs to see you anyway to make sure.’ At some point, someone switched off the music and Chan’s voice echoes in the room, the authoritative, confident tone so admirable. Who is the oldest and the youngest in this team again?

In the distance, he hears someone say that they’ll go get the company’s physician to come over but all Soonyoung can do is move to lay down like a giant starfish on the floor, breathing deeply, noticing the pain is going away slowly and staring at the white ceiling.

The members are still around him, talking over each other about something but he can’t quite hear nor understand when all he can look at is Chan by his side, looking down at him patiently with a mix of worry and relief in his eyes.

Soonyoung wants to laugh out loud. How could he be so stupid? He would laugh manically right now if not for the pain in his ankle and the complete lack of strength. What he realises is that the main reason he refused himself to act on his feelings for the maknae is because he thought he is still so young, so irresponsible, inexperienced and hot-headed. Yet when everyone else panicked and bombarded him with pointless questions, it was Chan who remained calm and rushed to help, knowing exactly what to do.

Thinking about it, that happened so many times before. Even that one day, Chan was mature and brave, confessing his love for Soonyoung calmly with just the slightest, nervous quiver of his pink lips when he spoke, while Soonyoung lied in his face and run away from his own feelings like a coward, avoiding him which made everyone around him worry.

He wants to cry and laugh at the same time, closing his eyes, feeling his heart beat fast. ‘God, I’m so stupid.’ He mutters under his breath, tiredly, chuckling like he’s gone insane.

‘It’s not your fault you fell, Soonyoung-ah. It can happen to anyone.’ He opens his eyes at Joshua’s sweet voice.

‘No, trust me I’m the biggest idiot on the planet right now.’

Joshua just rubs his shoulder in comfort and Soonyoung chuckles again at how the American doesn’t realise that they’re both talking about two different things right now.

When Seungcheol hands him some painkillers and a bottle of water he realises he needs it more for his pounding headache right now than for the damned ankle.

*

Soonyoung is not avoiding him anymore. If anything, he can’t stand being too far away from Chan, sometimes looking at him for a bit too long than what can be seen as causal.

He’s still scared. Even if they love each other, they can’t be together. They’re not just friends who fell in love, they’re in a band together. They’re constantly surrounded by cameras who watch their every move and Soonyoung knows that sooner or later he’ll do something stupid, something thoughtless, forgetting they’re in public and it will be over for them.

He squeezes his hands into fists by his sides, watching Chan who is sitting on the floor, drinking greedily from a bottle of water, not caring that he’s pouring too much into his mouth at once, clear drops sliding down from his mouth to his chin, then traveling down his throat. Oh, sweet lord.

‘Okay, everyone, let’s go!’ the dance leader claps his hands, getting up. ‘Get into formation.’

‘Hyung! We just sat down.’ Seungkwan complains and more groans follow.

‘We need to get this choreography perfect.’ He stands in his place quickly. ‘C’mon Jeonghan, break is over.’ He adds when he sees the boy is still laying on the floor, not moving.

Soonyoung’s words are not really effective so finally Seungcheol bends down pulling him up with his great strength swiftly yet carefully, grabbing his waist and arm. Jeonghan wines at first but then the older whispers something into his ear with a wide smile and the other laughs shortly finally walking to his position.

The choreographer turns to Chan, standing by the stereo, waiting for the other’s signal. He nods at him with a small smile and Chan presses the button, running back to his place. After a few seconds, the music they know by heart now starts and they get back to work.

*

They’re having a take-out dinner; the television is switched on in the living room but nobody seems to be watching anyway. The lights are dimmed down, nobody bothering to turn it up when the afternoon suddenly changed into evening. Laughter is filling the room, Soonyoung thinks this might be true happiness if it at all exists. His back is pressed into Chan’s chest who has his hands on his shoulder, loving the tiny vibrations he feels when the younger laughs or talks.

Chan finished his meal already while Soonyoung is still eating slowly, enjoying it. He pushes away the empty container finally some time later and turns to face the maknae who laughs loud at something Mingyu said, not able to stop.

When he sees the other looking, he buries his face in Soonyoung’s neck, still laughing but trying to stop himself. When he stops and looks up at the older again he bursts into a short snort.

‘You’ve got sauce on your face, hyung.’

‘Where?’ Soonyoung raises his hand to his face to wipe it but Chan interrupts him.

‘On your lips.’ Soonyoung watches the other lick his lips, showing him how to get rid of it and he does the same.

‘Is it okay now?’ He asks.

‘Not quite.’ He shakes his head. ‘Here.’ Without thinking Chan runs his thumb along the pink, plush bottom lip, eyes narrowing with concentration before going wide, fear swimming in the brown orbs.

Soonyoung watches, swallowing nervously as the other retracts his hand as if his lips were fire and he just got painfully burned.

‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I didn’t realise I was- I wasn’t trying to…’ he stutters, panicking a little but Soonyoung smiles at him.

‘It’s okay, don’t worry about it.’ He whispers and Chan breathes in relief.

Before he knows what he’s doing, he’s leaning in slightly but luckily, he catches himself in time and pulls back before Chan could question his actions. It was an impulse, something he just wanted to do in the moment, not thinking about anything else.

He turns around again to his original position. He looks around to see if anyone has seen them but everyone is still focused on Mingyu and the story he’s telling, gesturing wildly with his long arms.

Soonyoung puts his hands on his burning cheeks and leans more into Chan’s back with deep relief. It was close. Too close. What is he doing?

*

Soonyoung stays in the same place on the floor near the sofa even when everyone leaves to go to bed or shower. He misses Chan’s hands on him as soon as they’re gone but doesn’t say anything. When did he become so addicted to something he’s always thought he could live without? Is that how love works? Do you suddenly start to crave that touch, when you let yourself hope it could always be there, calming and comforting?

‘Can I talk to you, Soonyoung-ah?’ The leader takes a seat beside him.

‘Sure.’ The younger coughs awkwardly. ‘What about?’

‘It’s difficult, I know, but it’s possible.’ He states without any explanation. The dancer watches Seungcheol’s face but the other is looking straight ahead. ‘It gets easier later on, I promise.’

Soonyoung looks down at his hands in his lap. ‘What are you talking about, Seungcheol-hyung?’ he asks emptily, still pretending.

The other doesn’t answer any of his questions. ‘I thought I was going crazy at first but watching you two is like I got a chance to see what he and I were like before we got together.’ He muses.

Soonyoung runs a tired hand through his hair. Surely, he misheard. Surely, it’s not true. Surely, he would have noticed something yet the more he thinks about it the less surprising it seems. ‘Jeonghan-hyung?’ He asks even though he doesn’t have to at all.

‘Jeonghan.’ The name comes out of his mouth slightly shaky with emotion but still so soft, so loving.

It’s quiet for a minute. All the little noises that are usually unnoticed during the day like the ticking of the clock and the low murmur of the fridge, seem suddenly so loud.

‘Is it wrong, Seungcheol? Is it wrong for us to love them like that?’ Soonyoung whispers, dropping the honorifics and the older looks at him for the first time since he sat down but doesn’t comment on it. ‘We’re supposed to be the older ones, the responsible ones…’

‘I used to think like that too. It used to be the one thing that stopped me from pushing it too far but… you have to realise that these feelings won’t go away. In the end, it’s better to love someone and allow them to love you back than feel the bitterness whenever you look at them, hating yourself for something you can’t control.’

Soonyoung exhales. It makes him feel better to hear that even though the tiredness and overwhelming emotions are making him lightheaded right now. ‘I’m still scared. We’re doing so well as Seventeen, I can’t screw it up, hyung.’ He shakes his head, tears glistening in his eyes.

Seungcheol puts his arm around his shoulders in comfort. ‘We can’t allow ourselves for that spontaneous, free relationship others can but we still can have the secret, careful one. It doesn’t make it any less special. Trust me, it’s possible.’

Soonyoung nods, tears threatening to spill from his eyes. They stay like that for a moment longer before the older suggests they should get some sleep. Both boys leave and head to their rooms, saying quiet goodbyes.

*

Soonyoung observes three people the next day. Firstly, Chan who is wearing the cutest fluffy sweater he’s ever seen and it must be new too because he never seen it on him before. It fills the older with a strange sense of peace – just watching him do simple things like eating or talking to someone; just knowing he’s around, safe and his normal, positive self.

Secondly, after the conversation yesterday evening, he can’t help his eyes being drawn to Seungcheol and Jeonghan. The strange thing is that there doesn’t seem to be any difference in their behaviour than before. The dancer thought he would now start to notice some things that he didn’t before but it’s not the case. He guesses they really have just been like that before except now Soonyoung can smile a little to himself every time he sees them cuddling or even teasing each other.

He takes a deep breath, glancing yet again at the figure sitting on the sofa. It’s time to stop hiding and running away.

He walks slowly up to Chan who’s playing a game on his phone. He asks calmly even though his heart is anything but that. ‘Can we talk outside for a minute?’

The younger’s eyes widen at the serious tone but he nods quickly. They walk out into the corridor. Nobody seems to be paying attention to them. Everyone is playing around and laughing, preparing themselves for the recording they’ll be doing soon for their fans.

Soonyoung closes the door behind them and looks around to make sure there is nobody there.

‘Is something wrong, hyung?’ Chan asks innocently.

The choreographer leans on the wall opposite the boy and looks at him for along moment. All the thoughts he’s been having since the younger confessed, start flowing into his mind without control.

‘Yes. There is something wrong. With you.’ Soonyoung starts and watches the other’s puzzled expression. ‘Something very wrong if out of all the people in the world you chose me. Even though you could have anyone, you fell in love with me.’ He comes closer to the maknae and looks down at the floor, nervous about the next bit. ‘And there is definitely something wrong with me too because I thought I could run away from my feelings. I was stupid enough to think that if I keep running away and lying to you, I might one day actually believe that I’m not in love with you.’

Soonyoung hears a small gasp but doesn’t dare to look up. He feels a warm hand grasp his own gently. ‘I don’t know what to say...’ It’s low and breathy, the emotions spilling out. ‘Do you really mean it? Why did you lie like that before?’

Soonyoung finally looks up from the floor to Chan’s eyes and they’re a bit teary. ‘I mean it, I’m in love with you too.’ It feels so good to finally say it out loud. The light in the younger’s eyes appears as soon as the words leave his mouth. ‘I lied because I was being stupid, because I was scared… I can’t explain myself. I can only say I’m sorry.’

Chan moves closer and rests his head on the elder’s shoulder. The dancer’s arms almost automatically wrap around the smaller boy. God, Soonyoung missed him. Even though he was always so close, always around, he was never close enough. Is that what love feels like? Is close never close enough when you’re drunk on those feelings?

‘I should be mad at you but somehow I can’t.’ Chan whispers. He lifts his head and looks at Soonyoung with a soft expression but then puts his head back where it was resting comfortably before.

The older smiles widely. ‘You’re an angel. I can’t believe you’re mine.’ He feels the boy shake a little in his arms from laughter.

They just stay in a comfortable embrace for a moment. When Chan looks up at him again, he has a shy and serious expression. ‘Um…’ he starts but clears his throat and tries again. ‘I have a question. Is it okay with you if we take it slow at first? I mean I trust you completely, you know that but-‘

‘We’ll go as slow as you want.’ Soonyoung assures him before the other can finish speaking and kisses him lightly on the cheek, the briefest, gentlest touch.

The younger dancer rolls his eyes, ‘Okay, maybe not that slow.’ and glances at Soonyoung’s plush, pink lips leaning down slightly.

The older shakes his head, chuckling a little. ‘You’re unbelievable.’ He says in the most adoring way.

When their lips meet, Soonyoung gives him a kiss that he imagines is just like Chan himself: sweet, lovely, gentle yet incredibly exciting.

Together, they’ll be like that too, he thinks. They’ll be all those things and so much more.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, I wrote a new one-shot because I can never focus on writing one fic at a time, so in between my updates of 'Inspire Me.', please enjoy this random Soonchan :)
> 
> Love you all, xxx


End file.
